I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Have kids, they said
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.