I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.