I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.


If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.


DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?


Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?


4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?


Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge


Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up


According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.