@timdonakowski

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

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@lazerdoov

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

@causticbob

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

@ZombieProblms

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

@rdm_guy

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

@TitaniumToplass

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

@BrickMahoney

Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge

@AndyJokedAgain

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

@DurtMcHurtt

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.