I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
when mom throws a party…
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
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