I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
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sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Never forget.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible