I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.