I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
me
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?