@HysteriaBarbie

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

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@Triballistix

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

@IHideFromMyKids

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

@jwoodham

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

@AlanFelyk

I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

@ImSoFrancis

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

@dadopotamus_

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

@bridger_w

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

@sarousti

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building