@HysteriaBarbie

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

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@Swishergirl24

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

@OldUncleDaveO

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

@dmc1138

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@Hurly_Burly

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

@WickedRapunzel

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

@noog

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.