I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.


Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.


This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.


Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?


Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?


If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..


We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.


I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.