I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
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A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.