I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?