I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
🖤✌🏽
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise