I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
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It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Birds & Planes.
🤣🤣🤣
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.