I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
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I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?