I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”


Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!


Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”



Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.


snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it


I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.


I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching: