I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
You Might Also Like
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
the clam before the storm
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’d use my best pan on you.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.