I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Sing it!
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?