I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.