I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Denise please return my vape pen
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.