I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Bobby pin
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I unironically love this joke.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse