i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.