I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!