I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
britain’s three elite institutions
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.