I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us