@herprettybones

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

You Might Also Like

@weinerdog4life

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

@TitansHomer

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

@clichedout

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

@Cornjerker78

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

@bridger_w

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

@dumbbeezie

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

@whatsJo

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

@coolbutgood

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

@Thynebear

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project