I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.


My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.


HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too


Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.


Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields


We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends


her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?


my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast


Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project