I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him