I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
where the womens at?
I have many caverns
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief