I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*