I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
this has to be peak English
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet