I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Every work meeting this week
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
secret recipe
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets