I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
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Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.