I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
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My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”