I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I think my mom just blocked me
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.