I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
You Might Also Like
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.