I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

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“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.


People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.


“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow


Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter


The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.


*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.


*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*


*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump


Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”