I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
drew a comic about my origin story
A collection of me turning into random objects.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m about to risk it all