i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
You Might Also Like
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Science memes
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.