I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
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*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
This is sending me to another galaxy
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?