I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.