@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

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@freypalm

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

@007Pepe_Rex

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@robotrowboat

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

@milifeasdad

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

@PinkCamoTO

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.