I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Sharon, call the vet
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”