I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Money is the root of all wealth
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what