i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?