I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
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[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I triple waxed for this?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.