I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend