i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
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Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.