I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

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I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning


[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30


I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.


[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue


On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!


The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.


Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%


-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?


Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*