I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, "We're all so very, very rich."

I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets