I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
From my Mom
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry