I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.