I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
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Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
when you order from DoorDastardly
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.