I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
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How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts