“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.