I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
#ParentingFacts
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
this is how life feels
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.