@Nickadoo

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

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@Priscilla_YEAH

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

@yungk0ala

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

@ForeverWILIN_

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

@NikiWithIssues

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

@jakob_huber

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@Brianhopecomedy

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

@iwearaonesie

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*