@Nickadoo
@Priscilla_YEAH Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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@Priscilla_YEAH 
@yungk0ala one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
@ForeverWILIN_ Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
@NikiWithIssues So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
@sageboggs Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
@blade_funner Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
@jakob_huber Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
@Brianhopecomedy Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
@olievl Humor: the only thing I like dry.
@iwearaonesie *sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*