“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.