I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
so much to do
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
This was a bad idea all around
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
getting groceries
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!